The View From My Brain
The bloke likes me back!!! Eeeeeee!!!!!

And we’ve talked about it. And we’re still super-awkward about feeling anything at all like this for another person, ‘cause we’re both kinda scarred by previous relationships. And we have no idea what the fuck we’re doing right now.

But we’ve agreed to meet up next weekend. I’m going to see him. And to stay with him for the weekend.

And we’ve both been behaving like silly teenagers.

Not sure this is healthy.

But it sure is fun! And omg I need to go get some sleep, before I injure myself with flapping all over the place. (and disturbing the cats)

I uhhh think I’ve been flirting with a bloke in chat. Every night for the past 12 days. I’ve known him for a little over a year, and lately things have just… changed?

I don’t know. We really enjoy talking to each other and we’ve said as much to each other. (We kind of need to. We’re both autistic and don’t pick up on all the non-verbal shit, we’re both about as subtle as a sack of cement)

And I really, really, REALLY fucking like him. Yes, like him like that. And I’m afraid I’m just projecting my wishful thinking on to our conversation and seeing it as possibly flirty as a result.

And if we’ve been flirting, I don’t know whether he even realizes it, because according to the experiences we’ve talked about, he’s even more crap at this whole thing than I am.

I kinda want to just ask him, “hey, what’s actually going on between us, ‘cause I’m feeling kind of flirty-ish around you?”, but I’m afraid that if it’s nothing more than friends being silly, then me asking (and essentially admitting to feeling more than just friendship) will just make things horribly awkward.

And I’ve never even met him IRL. And thus have no idea how we’ll work if we ever manage to meet.

Oh gods, I can’t figure out what to do, nor how to do it.

How do I communication?

How do I relationship?

How do I life?

Fuck.

stylish-but-illegal-cat:

The second allistic people get angry and offended, they can just delete their tumblr and start over. Worse yet, they can find support immediately from other allistics who were “bullied” by autistic people. Autistic people get harassed by allistic people and we can’t run from it because it’s everywhere. You’re in our spaces, you feel entitled enough to speak over us, you dismiss our experiences as invalid, you raise money for “cures”, all while ignoring very real issues with regard to housing, (un)employment, police brutality (which is more likely to happen to autistic people of color), and so many more issues that ACTUALLY affect autistic people. But rather than listening, you get up in arms because an autistic person told you to shut up and listen because you were trying to get involved in a conversation that doesn’t concern you. Yes, allistic people, I am angry at you and your entitlement. I have every right to be.

girljanitor:

and sociopathic asshats like Lisa Wade who feel the PRESSING FEMINIST ISSUE is sticking up for mothers who murder their disabled children

image

NOT DISABLED WOMEN, WHO IF THEY MAKE IT TO ADULTHOOD WITHOUT BEING MURDERED, ENDURE A RATE OF VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND ABUSE THAT IS FUCKING UNREAL.

70%-83% of developmentally disabled women have been, are, or will be raped.

Countless women with disabilities have been, are or will be forcibly sterilized in order to conceal evidence of their current or future rape. INCLUDING SMALL CHILDREN.

Countless women with disabilities are pressured to abort their pregnancies or given misinformation about their ability to have children.

Countless women have been denied basic accessibility tools in order to report their abuse or rape.

Women with disabilities who live in institutions are up to ten times more likely to be abused than women without disabilities.

Shit like this is why Linda Cornelison, a 19-year old woman, was tortured to death by medical staff at the Judge Rotenburg Center, receiving more than 57 applications of “aversives” in the last four hours preceding her death from a perforated ulcer,  such as bruising muscle pinches and ammonia pellets broken directly under her nose. NO ONE WAS HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR HER DEATH.

This misplaced “sympathy” is why children like 3-year-old Amelia Rivera are denied lifesaving organ transplants and doctors fell comfortable telling their parents their lives aren’t worth saving.

“FEMINISTS” LIKE THESE ARE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT SYMPATHY FOR WENDY GARLAND’S MURDERERS THAN HER. More concerned about the two women who let her die covered in her own filth in a room over 100 degrees, where she lay bedridden and without medical attention for more than two years.

The media is more concerned about DOMESTIC ABUSER’S STRESS LEVEL then the fact that they’re BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR WIVES.

When 87% of women with severe disabilities are beaten by their partners, they are told they should “just leave”.

When young disabled women are burned to death by their mother, Lisa Wade asks, but what about that poor murderer???

And THE FUCKING MEDIA LOVES stories like this one that tell a sympathetic tale of a “poor mother” who drowned her disabled 4-year-old daughter in the bathtub, who has been released and plans to have more children, and has been ruled “not a threat” to children.

Laura Cummings, raped and tortured to death by her mother and other family members, and Lisa Wade would like us to sympathize with these “poor mothers”.

Zahra Baker, a disabled 10-year-old girl, was raped, murdered, dismembered and fed to wild animals, and Elisa Baker, her stepmother, was sentenced to 15-18 years for second degree murder…SHE FACES MORE TIME ON UNRELATED DRUG CHARGES THAN SHE DOES FOR THE MURDER. Her father received a 30-day suspended sentence for unrelated misdemeanors.

Betty Ann Gagnon, 48, lived most of her life on her own until she was beaten to death by her family after spending the previous FIVE YEARS IN A CHICKEN WIRE CAGE AND TENT SMEARED WITH HER OWN FECES. HER FAMILY WAS *NOT* CHARGED WITH MURDER.

THESE ARE NOT ISOLATED EVENTS.

THIS IS SYSTEMATIC VIOLENCE IN A WORLD THAT TELLS PEOPLE IT’S A-OK TO TORTURE, RAPE, AND MURDER DISABLED WOMEN AND ACTIVELY FACILITATES THEIR ABUSE, RAPE, AND MURDER.

“FEMINISTS” WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT PRO-CHOICE WORKS BOTH WAYS

WHERE OPENLY EUGENICIST “FEMINISTS” LIKE THESE ARE HAPPY TO TELL ME I SHOULD NEVER HAVE EXISTED BECAUSE I’M A BURDEN TO WOMEN WHO “COUNT” AS WOMEN.

I AM SILENCED AND SPOKEN OVER

WHY WOULD I SUPPORT A MOVEMENT THAT WOULD BE GLAD TO SEE ME DEAD?

Reblogging for the link round-up. I cannot read all of them at once. It is too triggering. But it is still a very good resource to come back to. Thanks for doing all the work to put this together.

why do aspies choose their spouse for meltdowns?

a-christmas-cruella:

autisticdrift:

Convenience? Captive audience?

Actually, I don’t get this. I prefer to have my meltdowns alone, in private, whenever possible. 

I definitely have never chosen anyone (as a target?) for a meltdown. 

Survival instinct.  Love.  Kindness.

Some aspies are able to choose? Didn’t know that. I know, I can’t control the direction or timing of my meltdowns.

aspergersissues:

Abed tells it like it is.

GPOY!!!

aspergersissues:

Abed tells it like it is.

GPOY!!!

Okay, so I’m chatting a lot with this bloke these days.

There’s def a mutual interest between us. But we’ve decided to take it slow. Mainly because we live at either end of the country, and the logistics of a relationship would be… well… fucked.

Neither of us can move, because the aid I’m getting is a specialized thing and not really found in any other districts, and he, well, he has a son.

And I’m like… fuck. A son. ‘Cause you know, me and kids, we don’t mix. Not without meltdowns on my part anyway. But the bloke is an aspie like me, and we have SO fraggin much in common, it’s nearly creepy.

But a kid.

This kid is most likely also an aspie according to the bloke, though, and that’s makin’ me think there’s hope, because I might actually be able to relate to this kid with some success.

But damn… a bloke with whom there’s mutual interest. I wasn’t even looking, and now there’s this… and I’m just… wow. Highly unexpected. Highly irregular.

If we decide to move from friendship into something more - which won’t happen within the next few months anyway - it would be the first relationship I’ve had since before I was diagnosed.

And my perspectives on myself, on relationships, on other people, hells on everything have changed a great deal, and I have no idea what I’m doing, nor how I’m supposed to handle this.

Fuck… I’m kinda excited and on the verge of panic at the same time.

Mostly that just makes me confused.

We talked about the kid tonight. There’s trouble with the mum, who’s not at all understanding of Asperger’s and insists that neither the kid nor the bloke can possibly be aspies. And well… for the first time in my life I actually wanted to get involved and do shit about that. For a kid.

I mean, I will fight any day of the week to make sure children are treated right and well, but I’ve never wanted to get personally involved with any kid. Not even AS ones - even if I have had this abstract notion, that if I ever were to have a child, I’d strongly hope the kid would be an aspie like myself, otherwise I’d be goddamned lost.

And now after hearing the bloke speak of something that happened to the kid earlier today I am finding this has changed, or at least is changing.

It’s like I’m standing outside myself looking in and watching myself change and it’s surreal and scary and I have no idea how to handle this.

Maybe wanting to help the kid is a kind of unconscious strategic bi-product of being interested in the bloke. Which would make an odd kind of sense. But I don’t know. I just don’t know.

It frightens me. Is my brain playing tricks on me, or am I changing before my very eyes? I can’t figure it out.

Thank fuck we live so far apart, I won’t have the opportunity for doing something thoroughly stupid. I’ll have time to figure shit out. But until it’s been figured out, I’m gonna be fucking panicky and clueless. And I hate both. Ugh.

/flail

girljanitor:

tinman88:

sarenhachoice:

girljanitor:

misslilamae:

what’s the difference between “executive functioning issues” and procrastination?

what’s the difference between “special interests” and hobbies?

I mean, other than ableism.

the degree to which these things impact your life.

and the degree to which there is a choice in what you are doing…

with autism, there is a lot of evidence that suggests executive functioning issues are related to movement planning and execution issues…which i have, very very badly. I did not learn to walk until i was three, three and a half. i had to crawl up and down stairs well into my teens, and still can have bad falls of varying degrees on them.

A good analogy for executive functioning issues is this: an autistic brain is a specialized brain. think of an airport with planes that are top-of-the-line, super modern technology-equipped luxury jumbo jets. But the air traffic controller is a half-trained monkey.

I also have moderate agnosia, visual and otherwise. Basically this means, if I don’t already know something is there and I have all of the criteria for identifying it, I cannot recognize it. For example, I was unable to find a tan filing cabinet in the 14’X8’ office i’ve worked in for months because my filing cabinet at home is black.

I have basically starved because as much as i wanted to feed myself i couldnt quite figure out how to manage it.

I have attempted to complete tasks that even in the face of horrible consequences, physical duress, knowing that my inaction would impact another person terribly, and desperately WANTING to complete the task, I was still unable to.

In times of stress, I sometimes pick up things and start using them for their intended purpose without realizing that the action is unwarranted, i.e. why am I opening this can and washing this dish when I already opened a can or the dish is clean? Or, why did I automatically wash my face, brush my teeth, and use the toilet when I came into the bathroom instead of grabbing an object I left in here and meant to retrieve?

I sometimes get stuck in behavior loops in which i preform the same task over and over needlessly.

that’s executive dysfunction.

that is totally different than putting off something undesirable. it makes no difference if you WANT to do the thing or NOT to do the thing. It’s disordered doing of things. It’s being unable to plan and/or execute that plan.

NT: I’m going to do THING! *does thing*

autistic: I’m going to do thing! *nothing happens*

OR

autistic: I’m going to do thing! *something else happens that is not thing*

ok. the difference between special interests and hobbies.

-a lot of people like to read books and do so in their free time.

- my family figured out i could read when i was two. i am capable of reading for 16 hours straight and not really lose comprehension. I have been able to do this since i was a child. i have nearly unlimited attention for the things i like. My mom invited like 8 people to my 12th birthday and I ignored everyone and spent the day reading. I STILL will miss work because I want to be reading instead.

-many people love to have conversations in person, on the phone, or online.

-I have pissed my pants multiple times because i don’t want to take a break in the conversation to go to the bathroom. I have forgotten to eat and subsequently passed out because I didn’t want to stop having a conversation. I often walk into walls and other easily avoidable obstacles because i’m having a conversation-i can’t walk and talk at the same time, for the most part.

-some people like to talk about spaceships.

-some autistic people have encyclopedic knowledge about spaceships and can’t NOT talk about spaceships. they start every conversation with spaceships and even when someone tries to change the subject NOPE! spaceships. they will interrupt random casual conversation between other people in order to spaceships.

now, there are plenty of allistic people who have interests that dominate their lives. a lot of the diagnostic criteria focuses on the social acceptability of obsessive or near-obsessive interests; the difference between a “sports nut” and someone who recites RBI statistics without context or consideration whether the person they’re talking to is interested.

Now, many people who have made it to adulthood have figured out ways to kinda soften these tendencies, cope, get help and support, or make them into a lucrative thing, or generally find ways to incorporate them into their life.

Signal boost. Incredibly informative. I didn’t realize how little I knew about this.

I’d also like to add that people who suffer from severe forms of ADHD(and no, I’m not talking about all the people who have self-diagnosed themselves with it) can have the same types of issues in being able to hyper focus on something they enjoy, but be completely unable to carry out a task that they don’t. My older brother has very severe ADHD and despite being a very intelligent person, struggled tremendously in school because he couldn’t properly allocate his attention. He could, however, draw for you a scale model of every ship in Star Wars and Star Trek and explain what every part and piece did. He could go on for days as a could about sharks. But ask him to completely a paper on something he didn’t like, especially off his medicine, and no matter how much he needed or wanted to get it done, he couldn’t. 

All of what you are saying is true except for the part about self-diagnosis.

I’m getting REALLY tired of the diagnosis police, and ALSO this whole post is meant SPECIFICALLY TO HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO SELF-DIAGNOSE.

There is a really obvious distinction between people with these conditions who DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO DIAGNOSTIC CARE and neurotypical people who trivialize these conditions and disorders.

There are tons of people who have also suffered from MISDIAGNOSIS.

I am one of them.

That has not made me any less autistic; I did not become *more* autistic after I was diagnosed on paper.

There are light years of difference between someone who is undiagnosed or misdiagnosed and someone who says shit like “Omg! I forgot my pen again! I’m having such an ADD DAY!”

self diagnosis and trivializing ARE TOTALLY SEPARATE THINGS.

More on the “no” parents from the autism hearing.

aspergersissues:

I wrote about this earlier here, but wanted to share two stories I saw from the people who reblogged the original. I think these two perspectives are very useful and I want to make sure they’re not missed.

First, from draggle-ella

Again, my autistic nephew’s first verbal statements were calling himself bad and interpreting autism as being bad.  They hear you.


The second, from rebeccatalks

What the head-shakers are doing is really shitty for children, and so very frustrating for adult autistics.  By not assuming competence in their children, frustrated parents set up a false dichotomy, where if an adult who claims autism is verbal, articulate, literate, and reasonably well put-together, we’re not enough like their children to have any perspective on what their children are like, and if we don’t have children ourselves, we don’t know enough about what it’s like having a child with special needs.

So, yeah.  ”Autism parents” won’t let communicative autistics or autistic guardians (parents/caregivers on the spectrum) say anything but what they want to hear about the intersection of our disability and Pascal’s wager, let alone our actual lived experiences.

It’s why I usually take the effort to “pass” as NT IRL, rather than deal with allistic guardians of autistic children.

These two viewpoints say things that I cannot say on my own.

Allistic: Autism is such a tragedy! My brother will never live a normal life!
Autistic: He might, he might not. Since he's 4, it's much too early to tell. And normal isn't a requirement for happy, anyways.
Allistic: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT AUTISM. HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING AND NEVER WILL.
Autistic: ....what?